i will not give you up this time
by astrangetypeofchemistry
Summary: I loved you, and it felt like a deep secret, near and dear and close to my heart, because I was afraid of what your response would be. / Alyanette. Companion to i never knew you were the someone waiting for me.


Even with years of realization under my belt, I can never find a rhyme to my feelings. All I can tell is that there was a moment where I looked at you and knew you were my best friend, the person to feed me spoonfuls of confidence and reassurance, and then in another moment, you were the only one I could envision a future with, where I locked eyes only with you and walked down the aisle.

My heart sang near you, my mind felt free thinking about you, and every one of your ticks would just around my brain at every moment of every day, like the habits you had ingrained in every movement of your body had also become mine.

I _loved_ you, and it felt like a deep secret, near and dear and close to my heart, because I was afraid of what your response would be.

* * *

Every moment I spent with you was nerve-wracking, like any second you would mention that I was leaning in too close, staring at you too much, looking too starstruck. I remember the hammering of my heart, a fast and furious pace of _lub dub_ that threatened to take over until all I could focus on was _you, Alya Cesaire, my best friend, the love of my life_.

And then you would turn away, distracted and busy, and my heart would collapse in my chest. Any space away from you was too much, any time not spent with you was wasted, any event not attended with you was empty.

It felt like the whole world could collapse all around me, and all I'd care about was you, _you_ , the only person in the world who shined bright and unapologetic.

* * *

I remember the evening my arms tangled with Chloe and my feet skipped next to hers. It wasn't an unpleasant evening, far from it, but with every point of conversation something felt wrong, _unbalanced_.

My mind was overrun with memories of you, with the acknowledgment that if you and I were together we would've been watching old videos of the Ladyblog, or dancing around my room, or laughing at old baby pictures. Instead, I was dressed up for a date with the wrong person, sitting in a crowded restaurant and failing to enjoy what should have been a romantic evening.

I remember the pain of crushing Chloe's hopes, the soft refusal of her affection and the rejection of her advances.

Afterwards, I ran to you with laughter in my voice and hugged you in my arms, hoping to chase away the unsettling feeling, but the soft look of detachment in your eyes made me question if you'd ever really cared that I wasn't with you all night.

It felt like something tore in me then, like a scream that had been muffled too long and was now just a burning feeling that wouldn't go away.

* * *

There was something inspiring about seeing you talk about your dreams, your eyes lit up as words just escaped you like water let out of a dam. You talked and talked until you were rendered breathless, and then you restarted after inhaling more oxygen.

It felt a little bit like a taste of heaven, as if this was the closest I would get ever get to salvation. You were something to be watched, someone to be revered, someone whose mere existence on this Earth should be celebrated.

And it seemed I wasn't the only one to know this. When you received the internship offer, I remember the excitement that filled me up like a balloon, threatening to blow me away just from sheer giddiness. I thought it didn't matter that it was in New York, because I felt it deep in my heart that you would return, too permanent in my life to just disappear.

But then you left, and my heart suddenly felt like it'd been deflated. My mind would keep wandering to you, my heart would keep calling out for you, and I'd walk around the streets in Paris with a deep ache settling into my lungs. Breathing without you felt impossible, like air itself had transformed in your absence.

I couldn't stop thinking, wondering, if maybe you'd finally meet your true match in New York. Maybe the person who you were truly meant to spend your life with would be there, bright and sunny and wholly worthy of you in a way I could never be. Were they blonde or a redhead? Did they have brown eyes or green eyes? Did you love them or the city more?

Yet still you returned, and I couldn't stop myself from closing the distance between us. In that moment, I fully believed that you and I were unique parts of a puzzle, and only we were the right pieces to be next to each other.

* * *

Do you remember being surrounded by our old classmates at Adrien and Nino's wedding?

They crowded around us in a large congregation, conversations and movement involved in an elaborate dance of contentment. I remember being asked with a teasing lilt if I wanted to dance with you, and my heart burst with the idea. But I shook my head, too afraid of the possibility that someone other than myself would finally know how I felt about you.

I was afraid you would piece it together.

Then I saw your face, how it fell and you turned away from me, and I realized that I would rather suffer from the vulnerability of having my feelings exposed than to make you feel like that ever again.

It's pure luck that you went outside not long after I did, but to me it felt like fate. I remember taking your hand in mine, and pushing our hearts so close to each other.

And I swear to you, it honestly felt to me like the universe finally righted itself, and I found my place in it all.

* * *

Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that you have loved me for just as long as I loved you.

I remember the laughter in your sister's voice as she told me, the fear and anger that took over your face as she told me, and I wondered for just a minute if maybe you'd forgotten how to feel like that for me.

But then we walked home and I could sense your nerves, hesitance and fear and a deep, deep sense of longing that you'd had to suffer for too, too long. I berated myself for being a coward, for holding tight to all my feelings instead of giving you the chance that we both deserved.

It just never occurred to me that while I was busy falling in love with you, you were busy taking that jump with me.

Then it was up to me, the cards held tight to my chest, and I kissed you the way I'd only ever dreamed of before. I kissed you like my heart had been saved just for you, like every crevice of my being was made just to be loved by you. And you kissed me back, just as in love and hopeful as I was.

In that moment, I vowed to never again let you doubt how much I loved you.

* * *

Sometimes when I come home late at night, I find you passed out on the couch with your laptop bright and open, an effort to wait up for me foiled by your insane schedule, and I wonder if maybe that moment is when I really fall in love with you.


End file.
